I wasn’t really going to post again until 2007 but I came across this little tidbit from Tennis Magazine. Seems they’ve been visiting some of those Argentine doctors—or Chucho’s friends—and they’ve come up with a little list of what should be done to improve tennis. After I picked myself up off the floor, I decided to share their wit and wisdom. Well, their wit and what I hope some of you will see as wisdom about their suggestions. Here goes:
- LIMIT INJURY TIMEOUTS – Player X, I’m sorry, but just because your leg is fractured in two places does not mean you can hold up this match. Yeah, I see the bones but you took an injury timeout when you puked your guts out in the first set. I’m sorry. Player Y wins in a walkover.
- MAKE DOUBLES MANDATORY – That will cut down on player fatigue guys! Way to go!
- END THE WAIT-AND-SEE POLICY FOR FANS – I’m at a total loss about what this means. I could speculate but children might read this post.
- CREATE A NEW INTERNATIONAL TEAM EVENT – Is Davis Cup going bye-bye?
- GO HI-DEF – Every tennis fan MUST buy a Hi-Def television or else. You hear that, Dolan family? Yet another reason not to offer The Tennis Channel to your subscribers. The philistines don’t have Hi-def television.
- ALLOW ON-COURT COACHING – No. The only one who would benefit is Pova. Most players know what it means when their coach yanks a booger out of his/her nose. Only Pova has to have a show and tell.
- OFFER EQUAL PRIZE MONEY AT WIMBLEDON – I’m so sick of this I could scream. Or work up a Black Sweat with Prince and then scream. Whatever. The women don’t play five sets. I’m a woman and I think they should play five sets to get equal money. Unless you’re playing a match like Linds and Vee played for the Wimby Final in 2005. Those two should’ve gotten paid what the men were paid for playing a match that is still talked about in “best of WTA” threads.
“C’mon, Rog. Do you really believe you should earn more than me?”
- EMBRACE THE EXHIBITION - This isn’t a bad idea since tennisheads are now avidly following exo’s.
- RESTRICT THE TOWEL - All you clowns get buzz cuts. Male and female. Makes no diff. NO TOWELS!!!
- KEEP HOST CITIES IN TOURNAMENT NAMES - Tennisheads know the cities. Newbies will learn the jargon rather quickly. I have no idea what the official name of Cincy is.
- REGROW THE GRASS GAME – There is no grass season. There is a grass Grand Slam where everyone regardless of their complexion is forced to wear white. I understand His Fabulousness is lobbying for each player to have his/her choice of garment like everywhere else. This was after The Club politely voted down his idea that all the men wear toreador pants.
- ENHANCE THE LEAD-UP SERIES – How come those dirtballers got it right? The lead up to Roland Garros goes through Monte Carlo, Rome and Hamburg. It’s not a French Open Series but they could market it that way. Of course the creators of the US Open Series will accuse the French of biting but who cares? Money is green. Or whatever color the euro is.
- USE INSTANT REPLAY ON ALL SURFACES – A no brainer and a good idea. Obviously someone missed the dutchie...
- CREATE MORE DUAL-GENDER EVENTS – Is that track star from India now playing tennis? Oh, wait...
- END SUPER SATURDAY – I actually enjoyed Super Saturday at BJK this summer. Two potentially great men’s matches I had the pleasure of watching from the nosebleed section thanks to my USTA membership. Way to go guys!
And what should remain the same:
- Leave singles rules alone – Agreed
- Don’t shorten the season – It’s fish or cut-bait time for the smaller venues. Not a pretty world out there right now.
- Keep three-out-of-five sets at majors – Agreed. For both sexes.
- Keep single elimination tournament system – Yes! Yes! Yes! That’s just strong agreement. I was not staring at pics of my tennis husband.
- Don’t reduce the number of Masters Series events – Agreed. And still call them Masters Series events.